Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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