Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
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Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
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Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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