why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
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I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
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I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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