Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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