3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
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i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize