Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
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Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
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He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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