He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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