totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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