The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
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Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
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Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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