she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
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So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
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so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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