my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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