Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
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Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
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Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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