I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Couch. On fire.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize