If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize