Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
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She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
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The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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