You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
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My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
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But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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