glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
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i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
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Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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