Kareoke will never be a sober sport
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
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Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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