the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he thought i was a dude.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
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Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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