I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
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Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
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Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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