Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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