He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize