I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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