my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
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Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
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I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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