I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
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I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
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At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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