yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
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He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
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They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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