I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
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I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Text me some of your sweat
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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