Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
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Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
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He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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