It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
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the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
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You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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