I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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