I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
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the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
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I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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