the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
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I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
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if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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