Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You are a genius and a whore.
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