I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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