I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
the day after is always just damage control
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
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Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
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STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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