from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
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Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
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I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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