if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
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i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
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