my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
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I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
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Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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