haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
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Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
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My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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