i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
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Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
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HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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