Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
me + whiskey = a bad person
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize