lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
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Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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