I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize