If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
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He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
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Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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