It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
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Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
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Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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