last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
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dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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