ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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