Jerry, you need to find god
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
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Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
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Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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