What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Your penis caused this!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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