someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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